A lot of you know, my husband and I recently split for almost a month. This time has been very difficult for my family and my husband hasn’t been well, fair, or in a good place. We haven’t been able to function or stay civil. Me included. I have been miserable for the last 2 weeks with him being gone and haven’t been honest when I say I was hurting. <insert Vivian Green’s Emotional Roller Coaster, song>
I wasn’t eating and reverted back to anorexic tendency in my stress and emotional pain. I have been over training and not nourishing. I haven’t even been drinking water unless I was working out. Not safe. I didn’t feel like blogging this. But I will. Because I can’t ask you to share your journey with me when I haven’t been being truthful. Well,I mean I have, but not full disclosure. In the last 2 weeks, I have eaten a total of 7 meals. 7. Full meals. I have been living off of a few saltines, a few bites here, or there when I got shaky. I have lost 3 lbs. If that tells you how much I haven’t been eating. 9000 calories deficit. Scary. And sadly,my body has reverted to starvation, I feel it, I remember what it feels like.
Do you remember when you would stay up all night and half way through the next day you got a burst of energy and could stay up another full day? – Okay, first I have to tell you I was such a partier as a teen, and a insomniac as a military wife with a deployed soldier this is how I know.-
I have been on that buzz for days. Energy like crazy. That means my body is literally eating my muscles to get nutrients. I have been weaker and my muscles have been
a lot a little bit twitchy. I had a banana today. It is almost 7 pm. 1 banana. I am not even hungry. The ugly truth about ED (eating disorders) are they never really go away. I can snap in and out of it when stress strikes, like nobody’s business. Oh I am busy, I will eat later. Oh I have a teenager meltdown, I will eat before bed. Oh, I missed my daughters bus, I will grab something when I pick her up (after school). Do you see? Emotional eating isn’t just about food binging; You can also starve yourself. Neither is healthy, both make you gain weight. Wait! WHAT? Yep, if you do not eat your body goes into starvation and starts to store fats to be able to burn them later! But seriously, it thinks it is dying! <dramatic body> Well, when it stores it can seem like weight loss, because there is no calories, but it is packing away BAD FAT for a later day. Yeah, so hey, you eat a donut after a long busy day without any meals, your body says “it’s good girl, I will store this right in your thighs!” (Hence, my thunderous thighs) I like to eat sugar instead of meals. Quick energy, tastes good, and bam instant happy…until the crash. I have said it before, I will say it again. Food IS FUEL. carbs, proteins, sugars. Energy. But if we don’t balance it, it is like topping off your gas tank with cheap watered down fuel. Putter Putter. Slow move until the next fuel station. Am I hitting any of you with this?
Babes, we have got to be able to recognize the signs. Am I gonna be able to kick this? Truthfully, I can try and I want to, but I am not 100% positive I won’t require help. I have a awesome nutritionist friend who has been being my inner voice an encouragement. We are both going through something right now, we are gonna bounce some support off eachother this week. I am super lucky I have friends who have been checking in on me, but I just haven’t had the energy to eat. I am hosting a pot luck this weekend “comfort food” is the theme. I am seriously mentally prepping for the calories. Right now my body hasn’t been able to eat over a couple ounces, or my stomach feels sick. The dark side of ED, anorexia- your stomach shrinks and bulimia- it stretches, which messes with all your -I’m full- sensors. Sorry this isn’t more scientific, but I am just a regular girl. I just want to process all this along with sharing how it works for me. Maybe you have all these non scientific findings too?!
Have you ever had ice cream sitting in front of you, your favorite flavor and didn’t want it? I know I am a freak. But for 4 days, I have a ridiculously amazing flavor of frozen bliss and I haven’t touched it. I have looked at it a few times and shut the door. Ok so there is a problem. Are we all seeing how real eating disorders can be? How emotional trauma can change a girl? I mean chocolate freaking icecream. It should be a sad girls go to, especially after her man leaves her. I need help ladies. I have kinda asked and kinda gotta response. It probably would have helped if I wouldn’t have deleted it off FB a few minutes later, but I got scared someone would judge me. I am a fitness and health girl. I don’t want to discredit my hard work and credibility. But, we all have problems. We all have to be vulnerable. Be HUMAN, strength is in the moments when we could be quiet or rise our voice. I gotta tell you one area I definitely don’t want a dark clouds hanging over me is in the profession I plan to work. But I also, want potential clients to see I am a normal girl with normal problems, but I didn’t let them own me.
Today, I got a call from my husband. Let me give you a teen background- Just a few days ago, we signed a paper stating we didn’t want our marriage anymore and that we were dividing assets with out a mediator. I wrote about it the other day on my blog. – Well last night we had a blow up and verbally ripped eachother to shreds for lawyers. I went to bed feeling horrible and so did he (he told me today). I love this guy. I waited for years for him during deployments, waited months for him in field training, and waited days for him to level out when we had PTSD cycles. But today, he called me and asked to come home. He said he was sorry/wrong/confused and he doesn’t want a life without me, because he wasn’t complete. We have actually both been fine with the impending divorce, because we have had such a rough go for the last decade. But something in us fights, even a flicker. I made him one promise after the war, if he tries, I will stay. Simple. There is a ton of open wounds, words that can’t be taken back, and even more worries, but there is love. Still. So remember when I said Love isn’t enough? I meant it. Morale is needed. So we are going to seek counseling and try one last time (hopefully there is no more times) and see if we can heal. There is always a chance we will struggle and perfection isn’t needed. But trying is.
So more stress, and I still need the comfort and support. I am still hosting my potluck, because really, we all hurt and need a tribe of arms. Some just don’t wont admit it, some are embarrassed of it, and others just don’t air it. But we all need someone to hug and tell us, Tomorrow is a new day. Try and live it best we can, or can live with what we let slip away. No one else’s opinion matters but the one you have to sleep at night with, yours. I haven’t been sleeping, why because I wasn’t happy with my decision. Let me be totally transparent, my husband is almost impossible to love. And maybe he doesn’t deserve it, maybe I should run for the hills in search of myself without him. But when I lay my head down, he is the one. I may love him (and hate him sometimes) and be cautious with my heart around him, but if I can’t forgive OLD drama then I won’t heal and no body has time for baggage. Forgive people, not for them, for you. Even if you do run for the hills that is okay too. Because you deserve to give your all, complete happiness or complete brokenness, but completely. Live, love, laugh, cry, hurt, be human. Oh and finally sleep and eat. They are important. Xoxo.
Sweat ’til you Shine ,